dance_onfire

yes.
i know i post too much about guys.
they give me so much fucking grief.

brandon is now being an asshole.
he had a show with his band
his reasoning for not inviting me
was being "my number isnt in his phone"
.......ouch.......
that's the lamest excuse ever.
he could've called someone that did.
he should have my number in his phone.

i guess it's his way
of telling me
to fuck off?
yeah. that's it.

so i'm not talking to him right now
if he decideds he wants to talk to me
then he can talk
i'll just respond with "yup. no. mmhm. lol."
just like he does.

haven't talked to justin in a while.
thank god.
fucking obsessor.
jesus fucking christ.
i wanna shoot that boy in the head.

anyways.
i've realized now
that the people i think are my friends
really aren't
they invite other people to ozone
or the mall
or the movies
but not me
why not?
because they think i'm a bitch.
yup.
so what?
i'll be a fucking loner now.
i'll be that child that sits alone at lunch.
that sits alone at home
watching tv, reading, and doing whatever else.
so then.
everyone can be happy
that i'm not in their lives anymore.

the only time i'm ever happy now
is when i'm with certain people
but i dont see them that much.
so that means
that i'm not happy most of the time.
fuuuckkkk.

friday (november 18)= last football game. meaning last applebees. i loved applebees that night. taylor was being silly.
saturday (november 19)= luminary canvassing. there were weird people. sam and i canvassed together. an old woman answered the door (uhm.........i dont.....i dont have any........any cash.........i dont have........any.........any money.........today) another lady answered with the door hiding half of her face and her eyes super wide. then she smiled (no thank you) and closes the door. i was petting a cat and there was a knock on the inside of the door. i look up and theres a lady's face in the window (now's not a good time).......then a guy a little older than me answered the door and stares (i go to apopka) silence (i dont like you guys) and slams the door in our faces. then watches through his window as we walk away. then we were going to steal a tractor. sam, kasey, bekah, and i played on the playground. it was fun. we got sand in our pants and shoes and shirts. haha. best day.
sunday (november 20)= horse competition. it was the last one at Rocking Horse and it was for the final points. i was in second for equitation and first for hunter. i lost both. i got four 3rds, one 2nd, and one 5th. and briana berkistrand got 1st in almost everything. pfft.
monday (november 21)= school. that's it. headache really bad. justin called. i want to break up with him. he's like obsessed with me. talked to isaac. concert on the 4th at backbooth. raddd man. fucking rad.
tuesday (november 22)= kasey's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KCCCC!!!! hehe. alright. then today something was wrong with taylor. he wouldnt tell me. i dont know..........jackie then told me that alex and her are on a "break" and how he just can't be in a relationship right now but he still loves her.....but then she said she found out that he and Autum had sex saturday?sunday?.....one of those days. damn. i thought alex was a better person. poor jackie. she really liked him.

so yeah..............huh. connection maybe? no? i dont know.
i'm a bitch now.
even my friends called me that.
it's okay though.
i need knew friends.
they're all too.......too goody goody.
they dont smoke. they dont drink. most of them dont cuss.
some of them call everybody "sweety" and "hunny"
and it pisses me off.
they're not any better than me.
they're hardly any older than me.
they dont have the right to treat me like a fucking baby.
man, fuck them.

now i have a fucking headache.
damn.

so this weekend there was Festival Of The Masters at Downtown Disney.
there were booths for the sculptures, painting, photographs, etc.
then on the other end of disney there were chalk art drawings.
my mom and i did a drawing....we didnt win.
it was of me laying on the ground with a backpack.
we took the picture a week before.
most people planned theirs about a month before.
we need to learn how to make the colors brighter.
it all blew away.
and my mom did horrible on the face....no offence to her.
hehe.
but i'm glad that one of brantley's teams won an honerable mention.
it was an amazing drawing.
they did a picture of kaylee with a piece of glass to her face.
it was really neat.
then Rosa Villa did an amazing copy of a masters.
a girl with a violin. (2nd place)
Anna and her mom won 3rd with a copy of a masters.
Qi Chingziang (i think) and it was amazing.
the colors were really bright.
then David Someone did a drawing of his wife?girlfriend?
someone.....
and it was awesome.
it was really lifelike.
i was jealous of their amazing talents....mmhm.
so now i'm on a mission to be great with pastels.
so i'll pick a masters and work fiercly on it
.........in my driveway.
yup.

and i'm using my dads 35mm to take pictures now.
camping trip for photoclub next weekend
i'm bringing the camera
it rocks so far
and i learned about F-stop and focus and the speed and everything.
and i can see things now in nature and people that i couldnt see before.
i dont know.
but yeah.

i feel like i need to go to a concert.
i haven't been to one since may.
and that sucks.
because it was GoodCharlotte, Simple Plan, and Relient K......
and i think they all suck now....basically.
there are still a few songs that i like.
but mostly.....no........
so i need to go see The Casualties
or Zao
or DEG
SOMEONE!!!
jeeeezus.

anyways....
i'm going out with justin
and he acts like he's in love with me
but i dont like him that much
but i can't break up with him
he's too sweet
so i have to have alex talk to him
.....i feel awefull
i really do
but i love brandon
and i'd wait my whole life to be with him again
i'd stay single just for him
he's that amazing
and i can't be with justin
if i feel that way for someone else
and i know that someday i might be with brandon again.
maybe. we talk about it.
i wish i was with him right now though.
he makes me laugh and he's so modest....it's so cute.
he's different than he used to be.
more fun.
he reminds me of a teddy bear and i just want to hug him.
i dont know.....
i guess all the guys i like just aren't right for me?
i think i'll just swear off guys
(by the way....girls are either straight, taken, or dont like me. stfu)

and now i'm off.
because i have to play my flute.
and draw.
and write.
and contemplate the meaning of life...........^_^

how life goes.
it just quits after you've had too much.
too much heart break.
too much drama.
too much hate.
too many expectations.
all piled on top of one another. it never seems to cease. i just wish everything would dissapear. i wish that i didnt have to have this perfect image for my parents. i wish that i could do what i want, BE who i want to be without having them criticizing me every step of the way. with my school work. with the people i hang out with. with the guys they know i like. they dont know half of what goes on in my life. i'm supposed to get straight A's. if i dont, then they scream at me. i dont show them my grades anymore.

i feel that every guy i like considers me a big dissapointment. they exepect me to be this terrific person and i'm not...so they just quit liking me. they expect me to act like they think i look. but i dont. then after they realize that i'm not who they thought i was, they move on to the next person and hurt me. i dont think they even care that much. i mean, seriously, why should they? it's not like i matter. if they wanna go out with someone then they should, no matter what I say. i'll just quit looking at the perfect guys. perfect guys will never be with me.

then there's the whole "my friend hates me because of a few guys i like" thing. if i like them, i like them. i'm not going to stop liking them because she likes them too. i flirt with guys i like. it's what i do. i dont technically mean to. i just do because i am attracted to them. but whatever. if she wants to be fucking pissed at me, then that's her problem. not mine.

but on a brighter note.
...
...
...
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i saw Legend Of Zorro tonight. it was pretty good. not really any cool story to tell though.
tomorrow i'm going shopping for a costume for halloween because my friend and i are going to go trick or treating because we are just kids and love candy, candy, candy! woo. plus.......we love getting sugar highs.
nobody invites us to parties. because nobody that throws parties know us. so we're stuck trick or treating.
blahhhh.
well.
i'll probably be a cop...if my mom lets me get the costume. it might be "too revealing" for a "young girl" to wear. oh ha...ha.....ha. i've worn things more revealing than that.

drama.
hate it.
drama.
can't escape it.

i like a guy. if i talk to him bekah gets pissed at me. she likes the same guy (along with others). if i tease (jokingly) the guy, she gets pissed at me because he's paying attention to me. if a guy shows interest in me, she gets pissed at me because she's never had a boyfriend. it's not my fault that guys like me and like to talk to me. i'm not going to say "oh no. i can't go out with you or talk to you because bekah will be jealous and yell at me." she talks to guys i like all the time and i dont yell at her or tell her to stop or anything. i just deal with it. beacuse i know they dont like her. she lies. she's like a fucking little 5 year old. everything has to be a secret. she'll never tell a guy she likes them. but then she gets mad if they get with one of her friends. it's not like they knew anyways. whatever. i'm done with this shit. if i like a guy i'll talk to him and flirt with him. if a guy likes me and he knows i like him he'll ask me out. i'm not going to change the way i am just so i can make bekah stop yelling at me. i'm sick of her shit. with brandon it was "EW NO! I DONT LIKE BRANDON! I THOUGHT HE WAS GAYYYY!!!" and yet if i flirt with him or talk to him and he talks to me more than her she gets pissed at both of us and wont talk to either one. she'll try to squeeze inbetween us while we're walking so she can be next to him and i can't. in the photobooth she puts her head right next to his. if i sit on his lap she gets mad because she likes him. i swear, if she makes me pissed one more time i'm just going to hit her in her face with a shovel.....

anyways. today was also cold. but i wore a jacket today!! yayy! and i bought those yummy yummy cookies that are all warm after lunch. that was good. melody was back today. so i remembered where i was going. thank god. no photoclub today. sorta sucks. i look forward to that. i get to see bri. she's awfully pretty. oh well. next week. tomorrow in english we get to act out the famous balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet. i get to be juliet and kyle gets to be romeo. Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? ahh. shakespeare. how lovely. then art tomorrow. i get to try and finish that damn project that we've been working on. lace is very hard to draw...ughhh.

right now. i'm eating those sour Sqworms and watching Sister Sister (nothing else is on) and typing this and waiting for people to get online....grrrrrrrrarghnessity. yes. that is now a word. MY word. use it, and die. mmkay? okies. bah. i hate being single........i just realized how much it really sucks. whatever though. i'll live.

alrighty. so today at band practice after school i basically stood in shorts, a tank top, in the cold, with the wind, in the shade for a fucking hour. i was freezing and i couldnt move my legs. but taylor made me warm. he's like a walking heater. i love him so. what a great kid.
but then. after i went home. i realized that i had left my geometry book up by the band room. so my mom got pissed at me and yelled at me because i forgot to grab my fucking book before i got in the fucking car. with all that time i was just fucking sitting there i could've gotten my fucking stuff together. anyways, i got my book and i got a Mocha Frappuccino. ah, how i live for starbucks and it's wonderfull goodness. mmhm.
but in other news, rebekah is being a pain again. i like a guy that she likes. and if he pays more attention to me then she gets all pissed at me and starts asking me "if so-and-so asked you out, would you say yes?". well duh. she already knows the answer to that fucking question. she just needs to face facts that she's not gunna be with him so she needs to get over him. he obviously only likes her as a friend. it's just life. and she likes so many fucking guys right now you could write a dictionary.
alrighty then.....i'm gunna go eat a chocolate double stuffed oreo cookie with peanut butter on it nowww. kthanx.